Lots of the time I imagine myself as a character in a film. I’m pretty sure this is how I got through high school. The awkward, pale, silent girl was narrating a much more exciting story in her head.
But now each morning I wake up and feel like I’m in a bad film. Maybe it’s a B movie, a straight to video (DVD?) release. Or it’s Black Mirror, a series that I only need to read a description of the plots for to feel disturbed.
It all comes back to me in my waking moments. The Prime Minister says…stay at home, news headlines of people dying in hospitals, faces covered by masks and remembering I can’t see my boyfriend, friends or family. I’m not free anymore. The outside world is dangerous and deadly, to be accessed only for nervous walks and jogging round in circles.
I’ll think this is all too far-fetched and terrifying, marvelling that my brain came up with such darkness. And then I remember it’s true. Hmm.
One thing I try to do is create a montage of my good film moments. There have been a few: the dramatic kisses, the stolen moments, standing on stage whilst people clapped (Year 9 English award), driving a fast car through a desert. I have been lucky and lived many adventures.
Everything passes. The good and bad films.
Then in the lighter moments it feels like one of my favourite films, Groundhog Day.